I Am Not Your Broom

 


I Am Not Your Broom by They Might Be Giants!


 The VaM-style spell today is I Am Not Your Broom - the title coming from this song by They Might Be Giants!

I love love love They Might Be Giants - and in the future there will be a VaM-style spell for Nanobots, Flood, and Apollo 18 - I love singing along with all three, I have listened to them hundreds of times, and many many car trips were spent with my family with them playing.

TMBG are creative and thrillingly unique in their lyrics, videos, presentation when it comes to album art and track titles and secondary material - and their music is among my very favorite.


This album however, NO!, is a children's album - and I listened to it a lot as a small child - And still love it - lots of the tracks would be great spells - Fibber Island, Four of Two, Robot Parade, No!, Where Do They Make Balloons?, In the Middle, In the Middle, In the Middle, Violin, The Edison Museum, The House at the Top of the Tree, Clap Your Hands, Wake Up Call, I am a Grocery Bag, Lazyhead and Sleepybones, Bed Bed Bed, and Sleepwalkers are all fantastic starting points for spells!

 

 

 Here are definitions of I, Am, Not, Your, and Broom!

A speaker or writer uses I to refer to himself or herself. I is a first person singular pronoun. I is used as the subject of a verb. 
 
first person singular present of be.
 
used with an auxiliary verb or “be” to form the negative.
 
used in some constructions with
other
verbs.
 
used as a short substitute for a
negative
clause.
 
used to express the negative
of
other words.
 
used with a quantifier to exclude a person or part of a group.
less than (used to indicate a surprisingly small quantity).

used in understatements
to
suggest that the opposite of a following word or phrase is true.
following and emphatically negating a statement.
a Boolean operator with only one variable that has the value one when the variable is zero and vice versa.
 
belonging to or associated with the person or people that the speaker is addressing.
 
belonging to or associated with any person in general.
 
used to denote someone or something that is familiar or typical of its kind.
 
used when addressing the holder of certain titles.

a long-handled brush of bristles or twigs, used for sweeping.
a flowering shrub with long, thin green stems and small or few leaves, cultivated for its profusion of flowers.

 

  

Here are the Lyrics! 
 

 

Now broom you must now sweep for me the dust it fills my roomNo John I will not sweep for you for I am not your broomWhat nonsense are you speaking broom my words you must obeyAnother life awaits be and I'm leaving you todayI am not your broomI am not your broomI've had enough I'm throwing off my chains of servitudeI am not your broomI am not your broomNo longer must I sweep for you for I am not your broom
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ok - here is the spell's effects! 
 

I Am Not Your Broom

Duration: Permanent

Range: Touch


The caster slaps some life into a touched object, the object must be inanimate and no larger than twice the weight of the caster.


The object has Hit Dice equal to the chart below – but it’s speed, armor, attacks, and special capabilities are up to the referee to decide. It will act as a retainer would (See pg 47 of Rules and Magic)


HD1 – Anything soft, like pillows, clothes, tapestries, rubber, rope...

HD2 – Tougher material, like baskets, leather, soft woods, etc

HD3 – Even more resilient, stuff like wood, ivory, bamboo, etc

HD4 – Truly tough materials such as pottery, crystal, glass...

HD5 – Durable and long term things like metal, ceramic, stone...



Each object also has a personality – roll on this table to generate it’s personality, desires, and morale – and the object is considered a retainer of the caster. Roll 3D12 and read one on each column!

1 Grumpy!

2 Happy!

3 Angry!

4 Aroused!

5 Depressed!

6 Curious!

7 Confused!

8 Scared!

9 Brave!

10 Selfless!

11 Intelligent!

12 Stupid!


1 Wants to help

2 Wants to live in nature

3 Wants food, cannot eat

4 Loves the caster

5 Wants to be a sailor

6 Wants a family

7 Wants to kill

8 Wants to be beautiful

9 Hates the caster

10 Wants to help its brethren

11 Wants wealth

12 Wants to get drunk, cannot


1 Morale

2 Morale

3 Morale

4 Morale

5 Morale

6 Morale

7 Morale

8 Morale

9 Morale

10 Morale

11 Morale

12 Morale

Miscast Table

1 – The object just explodes.

2 – The caster transfers their consciousness into the object, it is now animate and they are trapped inside it.

3 – The caster loses Hit Points equal to the rolled morale of the animated object.

4 – The object screams continuously.

5 – Whoops! The caster accidentally cast Magic Jar instead! The object is the phylactery.

6 – Somewhere nearby, you animated an additional similar object – whose sole goal is to find and kill the object you animated first.

7 – Whoops! You animated all inanimate objects you are touching! So your clothes, possessions, floorboards, whatever you are touching springs to life.

8 – The object’s life is temporary, and lasts N rounds, where N is it’s morale.

9 – The object cannot understand your language, and misunderstands constantly.

10 – Roll twice on each column, it has both personalities in equal measure, and swaps between them at random – it has both desires and will swap between them at random – and pick the lower of the two rolled morale.

11 – It has 1 less Hit Die than it would normally have – if this makes the object have 0 Hit Die, the object falls to pieces.

12 – It has 2 less Hit Die than it would normally have – if this makes the object have 0 Hit Die, the object falls to pieces.

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